When we communicate we use words that we feel comfortable with in terms of projecting who we are. This comfort comes from our particular map of the world (how we represent our subjective experiences in order to give some meaning and understanding to our life). Personal and business relationships hinge on good communication, so wouldn’t an influential edge be a good thing?

When I ask you to think about happiness, some of you may see a picture, some may get a feeling or a sense of happiness and some may hear a voice describing a happy occasion or a definition of happiness. If I ask you to think of chocolate, a new set of representations will be triggered and so on. We may represent our worlds differently but it is always based on a sensory experience – otherwise it is an abstract concept. This is one of the reasons it is so hard to understand someone who lives in a way or believes in things you’ve never experienced – you just don’t get it.

Verbal communication is usually made using our preferred language type – our conscious output system. This is based on our map of the world and uses 3 of our senses: seeing, hearing and feeling. It is contextual in that it changes for different modes of life and can move from one sense to another (more later). What this means is you may have a mode for work that is quite different to your mode for holidays or shopping. (We can break this up even further into sub-modalities)

People who use predominantly visual words will understand you better if you use visual words with them. It will also create rapport (an unconscious feeling that the person is on the same wavelength) and this is vital to good relationships, especially in business when you have a short amount of time to make an impression OR to convert a sale.

Of course, on the surface it appears much easier than it is, because you should be actively listening to the meaning (see Pt1) rather than the type of word, but with practice you will be able to quickly identify the preferred language type and be able to use it to create rapport and ensure better understanding.

A word of warning here is not to make too many assumptions at first because people often process certain experiences through a couple of senses. ‘I like watching fish in a tank because it relaxes me’, moves from visual to feelings. Ask some questions to be certain. What I’m doing with this article is giving a general guide so you will have the basic knowledge to become more influential.  Like any skill you will need to practice and listen, but you will soon begin to notice people change their systems in different contexts when you tune in. People do go into ‘work mode’ and ‘party mode’ and so on.

There are also some physiological clues to help you.

Visual mode people are generally quite upright and talk rapidly, speaking from the head and scan the room well – they are taking it all in. Audio mode people are generally less upright, talking from the chest/throat area a bit more slowly than Visuals, perhaps even turning their head as they listen to themselves. They use a lot of words to say most things, liking the sound of them. Kinaesthetic or ‘feeling’ people can slouch and speak slowly and deliberately as if they are experiencing each word. They may even, and I know this can be taken a different way, be touching themselves in some way – rubbing their hands together, stroking their face and so on. I am predominantly Visual in business with a touch of Kinaesthetic but mainly Kinaesthetic when doing therapy and with friends. Despite my great love of music I am mostly VK with a spattering of A in certain modes.

Now, of course the biggest clues of all are the words used. These are called predicates. You will find much written about these on the Internet and in any work about NLP. Here I will give you some basics and have a more comprehensive list available in the free section of my blog.

Visual predicates: These phrases can be heard from people with a predominantly visual output system. “I see what you mean”, “or so it appears”, “my perspective on this”, “take a dim view”, “a bit of a hazy description”, a mental image”, “mind’s eye”, “paints a picture”, “in plain sight” and so on. You get the picture?

Audio predicates: These people use words to do with hearing and sound. “sounds good to me”, “loud and clear”, “Ring a bell?”, “came to a screeching halt”, “tuned in”, “had an earful”, “to tell the truth”, “Honestly” and so on

Kinaesthetic predicates: Finally, these people feel their words. “Get a handle on” , “Grapple with” , “That was a bit strong” , “Touch base” , “Grasp of” , “Struggle with” , “Firm footing” , “A rough ride”.

The best way to practice these skills is to find interviews on internet TV repeat channels. Look for interviews of business people and celebrities rather than politicians, who are coached on these matters. Study their language and listen for predicates. If you hear them more than a couple of times, you can feel pretty certain of their preferred language type and therefore through which sense they process their world in this mode.

Don’t forget to learn you own predicate phrases from the free handout.

Have fun with it. You’ll be amazed how much your communication will improve when you speak in a way that people understand, and they feel that you really understand them.

My best,

John