Hi everybody, John Sammers here.

I’m pretty sure most people know that a great life is often built on great relationships and great relationships are usually a result of great communication (and rapport). It seems simple but when striving to improve your relationship it’s not always easy to get right.

One of NLP’s pre-suppositions is that Communication is not about only what you are trying to say, but also the response you get. If you get a bad response, its down to you as much as the other party.

So, lets talk more about the language you use when you want to improve your relationship with people you love. Of course you will have disagreements, this is part of developing a relationship, but how you use language, both verbal and non-verbal could make all the difference. The other part of this is being aware when a disagreement is starting to follow a pattern. Your unconscious mind is designed to notice patterns (one of the ways we learn) so I recommend that as soon as you notice a (destructive) pattern (you’ll be familiar with it because most of your disagreements will follow the usual path), change your language in order to break it – to interrupt the pattern, and suggest something that feels better for both parties. I guarantee it will work. I’ll talk more about pattern interrupt in a future blog, so stay posted.

One of the first steps when you want to improve your relationships is to be congruent. This means if you’re saying sorry, try to look like you are sorry (and you mean it) and if you’re saying no, stop nodding your head (lol). I don’t mean that you should start blubbing every time you are saying sorry because after a few times the old pattern detector will suss that you use that emotion as a tool. Basically, we don’t always know we are doing certain things so be mindful of your body when saying anything.

Next, its good to say sorry (and mean it) when you’ve been in the wrong but telling someone you forgive them isn’t always a good idea. Just forgive them – you won’t be able to move on until you do. If you can’t, you will need to discuss it until you can forgive them inside, but don’t say anything – show them by your body language. When you say “I forgive you”, you are also saying “You did something wrong”, and most people don’t like having this pointed out. You may just end up starting another row.

A further point along these lines is to give up the need to be right, even if you are. What is the point when right and wrong can be relative depending from where you are standing. Many people end up arguing to be right rather than to resolve an issue. The point is, do you want to improve your relationship or do you want to be right?

Lastly for now, if things are tough, give up the idea that there’s something wrong and turn your focus on the 85% (or thereabouts) of things that are good about the relationship rather than the 15% of things that aren’t. We can easily dwell on the negatives and think that is the whole person – but that’s not going to improve you relationship. Also, the law of attraction tells us that you get what you think about, so if you think about someone’s faults you’ll get more of those but if you think about someone’s attributes you’ll get more of those. Won’t that be nice?

As an early stage couple you may not have any problems (yet) but as the stress of some aspects of life builds or you go through the step changes (moving in together) you may see some changes in behaviour. Knowing how to be a good communicator can do wonders to ease these transitions and improve your relationships.

Have a great weekend!

John

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